On Christmas Eve, as all my friends went back to their families in anticipation of home cooked meals and uncomfortable dinner conversation, I was left alone in my miniature beach apartment. I wasn't going to do anything except watch bad TV all day and sort through the growing stacks of books, since I was going to spend Christmas Eve alone anyway. But, as I forced myself into the shower for the sake of healthy self image, I felt somewhat cranky. My boyfriend was spending Christmas with his family, my mom was enjoying her newfound internet connection while doing her holiday cleaning, and I started Christmas Eve with a rough awakening.
After months of getting over what I call Mr. Bad Influence or, more appropriately, Mr.Bipolar Express, I couldn't help but feel a little smug. A little, whaddaya know, I'm over you so bad kind of smug, when you just want to give yourself a little pat on the back. The Big Mistake, the Shameful Connection, the Dirty Secret you hope your mother never finds out about. You know, that guy. But sometimes a delusion is just a delusion, and what you do is trick yourself into thinking that it's all over. So when I woke up this morning after a particularly sensual, particularly exasperating, and particularly unwanted dream about the man that is not my boyfriend, I was reminded rudely that, just because you repress something, it doesnt make it gone.
But I am not going to make it into an omen or read into the hidden messages of my subconscious looking for the unspoken truths. While some of us might be dreaming of beautiful sweet things on a day like this, of caramel apples and the deer frolicking through the snowy meadows, I, for one, know with absolute certainty that this deer must be shot. Hey, it's Christmas, some of our secret wishes might come true.
So, you know, even if your life is not all you want it to be right now, even if your family is not around, follow the not completely healthy example of mine and have yourself a merry little Christmas anyway. Enjoy the little things. After all, it will be New Year's Eve in a few days. That's when you get drunk off your ass.